No One Asked Me to Do This With Movie Posters but I Did It Anyway

Hey there, fellow good-hearted, heroic citizens of the world. Huddle up, because there’s a problem that we need to solve. And whenever I come across a problem, do you know what my first thought is? I’ll tell you. I think, “Gee, this seems like the exact sort of trouble that could be effectively tackled by the readers of my extremely niche dental marketing blog, plus the guy who accidentally ended up here while Googling questions about how to go viral on TikTok while adhering to HIPAA.” (Hey, you. Glad to have you.)

Now that we’re all here and in agreement that we are the veritable dream team, allow me to present to you the societal ill upon which we must all focus our considerable talents:

Nobody is going to the movie theater anymore.

I know! Of all the unforeseen long-term consequences of a worldwide pandemic, this one might be the most concerning. Without good movies and overpriced popcorn, what the hell will distract us from the rest of the unforeseen long-term consequences currently wreaking havoc on our collective cultural psyche?

Just look at this chart! Look at the data!

These are dark times, there is no denying. Our world has perhaps faced no greater threat than it does today. (This is a movie quote, but you wouldn’t know it because, I reiterate, MOVIES ARE DYING.)

Table of Contents

• What To Do, Though?
• What Does This Have To Do With Dentistry?
• Number One: Jaws, Based on Jaws
• Number Two: Tartar Wars, Based on Star Wars
• Number Three: Flossin’, Based on Frozen
• Number Four: Ceiling-Mounted LED Dental Operatory Light, Based on Twilight
• Number Five: E.X.T. the Extract-Terrestrial Based on E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
• Number Six: The Lord of the Fillings, Based on The Lord of the Rings
• Number Seven: No Sugar Bug Club, Based on Fight Club
• Number Eight: Pulp Extraction, Based on Pulp Fiction
• Number Nine: Drill Bill, Based on Kill Bill
• Number Ten: The Dark Bite, Based on The Dark Knight
• So, What Do You Think?
• FAQ

What To Do, Though?

I have spent many, many hours researching this goliath. I’ve studied movie trailers and taken notes. I’ve exhausted the “new” and “trending” catalogs on all of the bajillion streaming services I’m paying for (we should really consolidate these into some kind of service that offers every channel you might want directly to your tv. It could even have live programming!). I’ve watched video essays from numerous YouTube film critics and left dozens of angry, typo-riddled comments.

(If my boss is reading this, I definitely did not do any of these things during work hours and you can’t prove otherwise.)

All that to say, my conclusions are iron-clad, team. In a wild twist, film execs have it figured out. See, the reason people don’t go to theaters is simple. It’s not because of the exorbitant price of taking your family out to watch Jack Black yell at Minecraft chickens, or the convenience of logging in to one of your dozen streaming services after an expletive-riddled hour of resetting your password for the twentieth time because MovieFlix Plus is acting up.

No, the true reason is that every movie is bad now. That’s right. That’s why those clever execs keep releasing remakes and sequels and prequels of actually good movies. And you know what? They’re on to something. People love watching content they’ve already seen, only slightly worse.

My theory is that these studios aren’t going far enough. I think the true solution lies in taking some of the most enduring classics of cinema and reimagining them to be better-er and modern-er.

What Does This Have To Do With Dentistry?

Okay readers, raise your hands if the following applies to you (all three of you, put them up high where I can see them). How many of you moonlight as filmmakers? Hmm alright, how about scriptwriters? Directors? Costume designers? Oh come on, no one? Not one of you knows how to operate a boom mic? I thought they taught you that in dental school.

Huh. Go figure.

Don’t worry, I have a new plan. As the elite squad of problem solvers that I know we are, all we have to do to save America is to play to our strengths. Write what you know, you know?

For me, that means I’ll be crafting visionary, thought-provoking, devastatingly moving creative material. For you dentists out there, that means teeth and dentistry, presumably. If you’re a lawyer or an Uber driver or a balloon animal artist, I am both baffled by your presence here and sure we can find a place for your unique skillset. Fate obviously brought you here, valued team member. It’s not the destination (this dental marketing blog), or the journey (the Google search that brought you to this confusing corner of the internet), that matters. No no, it’s the friends you make along the way.

Which is me. I’m the friend.

That Was a Really Long Introduction

I know, right? I could have probably written like three helpful articles about dental SEO and marketing in the time it took to finish this post, but some things are too important to ignore.

Everyone get out your notebooks and put on your thinking caps or dental masks or whatever it is you people do. I present to you a collection of movie posters reimagined through the lens of God’s own favorite profession: dentistry. We’re looking at a holiday 2025 release schedule, so I’ll need all of your notes by the end of the week.

Number One: Jaws, Based on Jaws

Da-dun. Da-dun. Da-dun da-dun da-dun da-dun DA-DUNNNN!

The original Jaws swam into theaters in 1975, ruining beaches and bikinis and inflatable pool chairs for everyone. Our version improves on the concept and looks a little like this:

When a slew of terrifying attacks on local pediatric dental hygienists’ fingers unleashes chaos on a quiet beach community, it’s up to the town’s police chief, a child psychologist, and a retired dentist who’s too old for this shit to put a stop to the bloodshed.

Number Two: Tartar Wars, Based on Star Wars

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Disney released a bunch of ill-fated Star Wars films. They would have been more commercially successful had the studio simply paid my exorbitant consulting fee, I’m just saying.

When his family and home and literally everything he knows is destroyed, young, kind-of-whiny farmhand Luke Waterflosser makes the very sacrificial decision to join forces with the wise Obi-Wan Canini, a weird monk and a master of canine teeth combat. Joined by a cocky clip-in veneers salesman, a furry guy named Chewbrusha, and a couple of zany droids with dental anxiety, they journey across space to learn the ways of the Floss, rescue a princess with important fluoride-based battle plans, and defeat the evil Darth Sucrose before his Bad Breath Star can destroy everything our heroes hold dear.

(Except for Luke. His entire family and farm are already all dead and burned up. Bummer.)

Number Three: Flossin’, Based on Frozen

Elsa’s iconic ballad is still infamous…for being stuck in my head at least once a month, leading me to wonder: what if Elsa had floss powers instead of ice magic? What, you don’t see the connection?

When a neurotic queen’s obsession with dental hygiene is revealed to be the result of repressed dentistry powers which she accidentally uses to trap the kingdom under an eternal blanket of fluoridated toothpaste, her annoying younger sister goes on a magical, whimsical journey to convince her to chill TF out. Joined by a rugged mountain-man and a reindeer and also a nightmarish talking toothpaste-man, our heroine will face a little bit of danger and a disproportionate amount of interpersonal conflict that really should have been worked out in therapy years ago.

Oh, and everyone is a tooth.

Number Four: Ceiling-Mounted LED Dental Operatory Light, Based on Twilight

If the YA supernatural boyfriend boom of 2000s media taught us anything, it’s that the recipe for financial success lies in hot vampires and moody lighting.

When a chronically depressed teenager named Not-Like-Other-Girls deals with her parentification issues by moving to a small town with lots of rain and terrible lighting, she falls in love with Edward, a mysterious, sexy classmate who doesn’t like anyone except for her. He reveals himself to be a 108-year-old vampire who can read minds and still goes to high school for some reason, but more shocking and alluring is his abundance of high-quality dental lighting fixtures hidden in his mansion (because he’s also rich in addition to being really hot).

Number Five: E.X.T. the Extract-Terrestrial Based on E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial

The original E.T. captivated audiences with its charm, originality, and weirdly cute animatronic alien puppet. Some of cinema’s most iconic quotes and imagery come from this film, which is really cool for people who like making weird voices. (The 80s were a great time to be into alien puppets with unusual speech patterns.)

Boy, do I love a good pun.

A troubled child summons the courage to help a friendly alien schedule a much-needed dental appointment to remove several severely decayed teeth. Then he peaces out to his home planet, where they don’t have dentistry, which is very sad but has nothing to do with this film.

Number Six: The Lord of the Fillings, Based on The Lord of the Rings

The original The Lord of the Rings trilogy was a huge financial risk that paid off and changed the landscape of film forever, ushering in a new age of epic fantasy, elaborate and meticulous filmmaking, and heated online debates about whether Aragorn or Legolas would be a better boyfriend. (The answer is both, idiots.)

While I really, really love The Lord of the Rings, I’ve always thought it failed to answer one important question: what if instead of making rings of power, Sauron was some kind of evil wizard dentist who passed out magic dental fillings for nefarious purposes?

A meek little dude minding his own whimsical business is rudely whisked away on a magical journey to destroy his crazy uncle’s heirloom gold dental filling when a bearded man in a robe shows up and tosses it into a fire to reveal ancient, evil poetry.

Number Seven: No Sugar Bug Club, Based on Fight Club

The marketing campaign for Fight Club really missed an opportunity by not targeting young children, who are by far the most violent demographic of modern movie-goers.

A third grader with an insatiable sweet tooth and his cool-dude friend form an underground club where they offer one another unfailing support with the goal of making it into the local dentist’s cavity-free prize raffle. This is a deeply artistic psychological thriller.

Number Eight: Pulp Extraction, Based on Pulp Fiction

I’ve never actually seen this movie, but it’s probably a safe, run-of-the-mill option for the holiday crowds. We all love John Travolta! Here, look at this cute lil’ poster I made while I go watch the movie.

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Uh….I…I don’t think we should make this one into a dental movie.

Number Nine: Drill Bill, Based on Kill Bill

Alright, we’re going to try again with Quentin Tarantino and Uma Thurman. Look at this fun dental pun! The plot could be about a scrappy fighting-lady-dentist who does ninja moves during appointments! I’ll just give it a quick watch, and–

Wow, never mind. I mean, really, wow. I didn’t know the human mind could conceive of this many scenes of graphic violence without imploding in on itself like a dying star. Very creative.

Moving on.

Number Ten: The Dark Bite, Based on The Dark Knight

Batman is so cool. You know what else is cool? Dentistry!

With an iconic villain and a permanent place in pop-culture’s metaphorical Mount Rushmore, the Batmobile is the perfect vehicle for a movie blockbuster event. They’ll be lining up to buy tickets and definitely won’t wait for it to hit streaming.

When a menacing villain in a clown costume rains violent terror upon the innocent dental professionals of a city that is definitely not New York, a traumatized billionaire orphan dentist in bat ears teams up with the police and his ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend to put an end to the madness. Unfortunately, The Dark Bite’s secret identity is pretty obvious because he wears his scrubs under the cape, and he is prosecuted to the full extent of the law for vigilanteism.

So, What Do You Think?

Ready to save cinema? I know, I know. This is a big ask. Today’s dentist is busy with day-to-day office management, patients who lie about flossing, and the constant pursuit of full schedules.

But because I know you’re dedicated to the common good, I’m confident you’ll find time to help me make 8-10 high-budget reboot films and then pitch them to every major film production company. If you find yourself saying, “I’d love to, really I would, but how will I keep up with my movie-making destiny while also managing to run a successful dental marketing campaign to bring in new patients to my office?”

I’m so glad you asked. At My Social Practice, we offer comprehensive dental marketing services to dentists just like you, friendo. From expert dental SEO to snazzy website design and even an AI receptionist who is genuinely helpful instead of being a terrifying vision of the future in which the robots steal our jobs and turn us into a post-apocalyptic band of human freedom fighters, we’ve got it all.

Was this entire blog post just an elaborate way to talk up My Social Practice’s superior dental marketing services? Absolutely not, how dare you suggest it? I just really like making things in Photoshop and writing things to see how long it takes for my boss to call me into his office for another discussion about professionalism. See? I’ll prove it.

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About the Author: Megan Nielsen is an SEO strategist and the Grand Overlord of copywriting at My Social Practice. My Social Practice is a dental marketing company that offers a full suite of dental marketing services to thousands of dental practices throughout the United States and Canada.