Old Toothpaste Commercials Ranked

Table of Contents

• The Scoring System
• Number 1: I Never Beat Bill (So Sad)
• Number 2: That’s Too Close, Barb
• Number 3: Let’s All Whistle at Susie
• Number 4: I Feel Threatened
• Number 5: Kids Do Be Savage
• What a Fun Journey Through Productive, Worthwhile Activities
• FAQ

The Scoring System

Oh, you thought this was an amateur-level ranking? A farce? A waste of company time and resources? Ha! I have experience with important ranked dental lists, alright?

Each ad is scored on a scale of 1-5 across five meticulously-crafted categories:

Science-y Substance

Are there statistics? Scientists in lab coats giving us facts? Made-up tech phrases that definitely don’t mean anything?

Awkwardness Avoidance:

How uncomfortable did this commercial make me? How many times did I wrinkle my nose and cringe? How are those old-timey actors doing with their dialogue?

Conceptual Charisma:

How good is the concept of the commercial? Would I willingly watch this commercial again? Would I skip it if it were a YouTube ad? Was it clever?

Dated Dodging:

How dated is the commercial? Is it a timeless masterpiece, or does it belong in the annals of human history alongside ultra low-rise jeans?

And the final category, Would I Buy It?

This is all that really matters, because that’s capitalism, baby.

Now it’s time for me to drag you down with me and ruin your YouTube algorithm, too. You could also use these videos for social media dental content and see if your followers share my (correct) views.

Without further ado, let’s get started.

Number 1: I Never Beat Bill (So Sad)

We open on a vigorous tennis match between two all-American athletes making impressive work of leaping about the court. A close up of our defeated protagonist tells us that he never beats Bill, and it’s very sad.

But wait! We flash back to the one and only time he’s ever prevailed over Bill. Apparently, the two friends spent a fun-filled evening at the bathroom sink competing in a toothpaste test. Our main man used Crest with Fluoristan (?) and Bill used stupid-dumb-idiot toothpaste like a loser, and now his teeth suck.

Thanks, Crest!

Scorecard

Science-y Substance: 5

This commercial gives us stats and a seal of approval from the ADA. It also tells us that Crest toothpaste uses Fluoristan, which sounds kind of like a made-up country in a fantasy romance novel, but regrettably, Google tells me it is not.

Awkwardness Avoidance: 4

The close-up of our protagonist’s despair was well-handled. I believed it. The distress, the drama, the stunning victory snatched from the (fluoristan-ated) jaws of defeat—pure cinema. Was it awkward and stilted? Well, yes. Two bros were smiling at each other and brushing their teeth competitively. Still, by the end of the commercial, I too wanted Bill to suffer humiliation with his 34% higher average of cavities.

Conceptual Charisma: 4

This video was from a series of sports-themed toothpaste commercials where the main character sucks at sports but is surprisingly good at choosing toothpaste. Though I am not an athlete, I do find toothbrushing to be a universally-appealing activity.

Dated Dodging: 2

While I commend the attempt, this felt very much like a product of its time. Young, spry men don’t go outside to play tennis or engage in toothpaste contests like they did in the good old days, Crest. This is 2025 and those guys should be arguing on Reddit and watching video game clips on TikTok.

Would I Buy It?: 4

Based on this commercial, I would probably buy Crest with Fluoristan, but that is partially out of a vague hope that it might kick off my hero’s journey with a revelation that I am the long-lost princess of the once proud kingdom of Fluoristan.

Final Score: 19/25

Number 2: That’s Too Close, Barb

Found-footage films became a booming genre in the early 2000s, but I’ve discovered that those hack Hollywood directors all stole the concept from Close-Up Toothpaste.

In this commercial, a very 70s-chic lady comes home to find that all of her friends are in her house for a surprise party! Or, I don’t know, maybe it’s not a party and this is just a weird thing they all do sometimes.

Anyway, then we’re treated to a bunch of very zoomed-in shots of the woman and some guy, and they’re…very close. We’re really getting in their business. Then we see some product shots of red toothpaste before BAM—we’re back to the couple, and we’re even closer than before. Thank goodness HD didn’t exist back then, because we would be able to count the nose hairs, folks.

Scorecard

Science-y Substance: 1

There wasn’t even an attempt at science here. They went straight for nostrils and sex appeal.

Awkwardness Avoidance: 1

When even the actress looks uncomfortable, you know a commercial is bad. Or good, depending on your point of view, I suppose. In any case, I cringed watching this and experienced a truly unsettling level of second-hand embarrassment.

Conceptual Charisma: 2

It’s not a bad idea: your husband throws you a surprise party and you find yourself glad that your toothpaste gives you fresh breath. The execution is the problem, but on the other hand there’s a great tongue-twister hidden here somewhere:

“Close-Up is for close-ups, because you never know when you’re going to be up-close.”

Dated Dodging: 1

The hair, the glasses, the font…this is very 70s.

Would I Buy It?: 1

The toothpaste is red, first of all, which is the least toothpaste-y color. More importantly, I spend all day on my computer watching YouTube videos and writing dental articles, so I’ll never be in a scenario with friends smelling my breath.

Final Score: 6/25

Number 3: Let’s All Whistle at Susie

Pepsodent brings us a true relic rendered in stunning animation. Our leading lady struts past the soda shop and two charming gentlemen immediately stick their heads out of the door to whistle at her, then chase her down to compliment her sexy white teeth.

Susie tells them that her truly sultry new smile is courtesy of Pepsodent’s new formula with I.M.P. and then we get to hear a musical number that does not explain what those letters stand for. Susie licks her lips and shares a salacious kiss with a bowtie-twirling beau, lured by the siren song of her sparkling teeth.

Scorecard

Science-y Substance: 1
The commercial mentions “irium,” which Google says is made-up and also might be radium. Aside from that concerning but not surprising revelation, I have no idea what I.M.P is and I’m not sure I want to know.

Awkwardness Avoidance: 3
The animation format was a wise choice to avoid the inevitable discomfort of this commercial’s script had the actors been on-screen. But if we all call Disney and ask nicely, maybe they’ll give us the live-action remake once they finish ransacking the vault of their beloved IPs.

Conceptual Charisma: 1
I’m not sure my delicate modern sensibilities can handle the idea of Susie swaying her hips in front of the fellas to encourage their wolf-whistles. It’s also unrealistic, because she’s not wearing sweatpants and sunglasses and avoiding eye contact while hoping no one she knows recognizes her out in the real world buying 34 packages of instant ramen and a case of Diet Coke.

Dated Dodging: 1
Oh, honey.

Would I Buy It?: 1
I would not buy the radioactive cat-calling toothpaste, no.

Final Score: 7/25

Number 4: I Feel Threatened

Crest is back at it again with another banger, but this time I think I’m kind of afraid? We open to a nonsensical comparison of two apples. They are identical apples. Then we’re hit with this line: “The difference between the two? Gum disease.”

This is the point when I paused the commercial to squint in confusion.

But it all comes together when the camera zooms out to reveal a blender while the mustachioed professor (?) tells us that if we don’t brush and floss…(insert suspense).

Then he tosses one apple in the blender, purees it, and pours it into a bowl. The scary man widens his eyes at us, proffers the bowl, and says, “You eat this one.” It kind of feels like a threat and a demand and is immediately followed up by a stamp of approval from the ADA so I kind of feel like all of the scientists are mad at me.

Scorecard

Science-y Substance: 3
I’m not sure about the scientific basis for comparing apples vs. applesauce in patients who practice poor dental hygiene, but the ADA says it’s cool.

Awkwardness Avoidance: 2
I mean, I definitely felt uncomfortable, but that’s only because I think this vaguely academic guy might have been talking to me directly and I can’t help but feel I’ve disappointed him.

Conceptual Charisma: 5
If the goal was to terrify your audience into buying Crest, it was masterfully conceived and executed. Fear is the most basic animal motivator, and clearly Crest knows this.

Dated Dodging: 3
We’re all soft these days, so you’d never see mustache-man threatening us with applesauce on a Hulu ad-break. For this reason, I cannot call the commercial timeless. Nevertheless, it remains effective, which bumps this score up a few points.

Would I Buy It?: 5
I’m scared not to.

Final Score: 18/25

Number 5: Kids Do Be Savage

Colgate joins the party with a classroom of kindergarteners and their teacher enjoying an intellectually stimulating discussion of colors. The teacher asks some softball questions, and the kids answer with precocious precision. What color is the grass? Green, duh. How about my sweater? Blue. This is easy.

Then, the teacher asks about the color of her teeth and the answers are mixed: beige, off-white, ecru, mother-of-pearl. Oof, never open yourself up to a five-year-old’s observations on your appearance, lady, you should know this.

Scorecard

Science-y Substance: 3
Colgate explains that baking soda and peroxide make your teeth healthy, blah blah blah.

Awkwardness Avoidance: 4
It’s very awkward, but not for me. For me, it’s hilarious. Colgate understands schadenfreude.

Conceptual Charisma: 5
Perfect. Amazing. Get kindergartners to roast everyone in all commercials going forward, please. No notes.

Dated Dodging: 5
Kids are the same in every decade and would absolutely shout about your yellow teeth in front of their peers without hesitation. Timeless.

Would I Buy It?: 5
Of course I would! You think I’m going to just let myself be bullied by a bunch of kids? Pfft, no, I’m going to get Colgate with baking soda on my next shopping trip!

Final Score: 22/25

What a Fun Journey Through Productive, Worthwhile Activities

In conclusion, I think we can all agree that this was an extremely valuable use of my time. I’ve not only conducted a multi-decade analysis of dental marketing trends, I’ve also created an entirely new system of commercial evaluation that future generations of marketers, historians, and bored employees will surely build upon.

So next time someone accuses you of falling down a YouTube rabbit hole during work hours, just tell them you’re conducting important visual brand research using a five-point analysis matrix.

Frequently Asked Questions

About the Author: Megan Nielsen is an SEO strategist and the Grand Overlord of copywriting at My Social Practice. My Social Practice is a dental marketing company that offers a full suite of dental marketing services to thousands of dental practices throughout the United States and Canada.